He thought about bullying, and about how other boys’ parents might react. “If they knew for sure my son was gay, I doubt they were going to let them come over,” he explained. Now at 16, with his family in the audience, Trey performs in drag at a local club. He knows that limiting sleepovers was his father’s way of protecting him, but at the time, he recalled, “I felt like it was a planned attack against me.” Instead of sleepovers, he drives home after hanging out with friends. “It’s a nice break from a digital way of connecting,” said Dr. “It’s a trusting and bonding experience.” Blaise Aguirre, an adolescent psychiatrist at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. While teens may see sleepovers as just a chance to spend a lot of time with their friends, parents may worry about their children exploring their sexuality before they are ready and about their safety if they do.
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For some, the intimacy of having their teens spend long stretches of unsupervised time in pajamas in a bedroom with someone they may find sexually attractive can be unsettling.Īmy Schalet, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, who studies adolescent sexuality, said that American parents tend to believe that by preventing coed sleepovers, they are protecting teens who may not be emotionally ready for sexual intimacy. Her book “ Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex,” compared the way Dutch and American teens negotiate sex and love.
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Unlike Americans, who feel that teen sex shouldn’t happen at the parents’ homes, Dutch parents think teens can self-regulate their urges and often allow older teens in committed relationships to have sleepovers.ĭr. Schalet warned when it comes to sleepovers, sometimes “prohibition takes the place of conversation.” Parents can help children learn sexual agency and develop healthy sexual lives by talking to them about consent and whether experiences made them feel good or not. If they don’t take this route, she said, parents of L.G.B.T.Q. kids risk sending the message that they disapprove of this part of their human experience and that they don’t trust them to “develop the tools to experience this in a positive way,” Dr. There is no one way to structure L.G.B.T.Q.
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Sleepovers, but parents concerned about making sure their kids feel safe and free of shame can try to plan ahead. For example, children should decide if they want to share their sexual orientation or gender identity with their hosts.
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Or if the child is uncomfortable changing clothes in front of friends, parents can make a house rule that everyone changes in the bathroom.ĭr. Aguirre suggested that parents who are concerned about possible sexual exploration to ask themselves: “What’s the fear?” For parents of L.G.B.T.Q. kids, he said, often “the fear is: Is my child going to be outed? Is my child going to be bullied? Is my child going to be harassed? Is my child going to be attacked? Because we know L.G.B.T.Q. Kids are more likely to be bullied and harassed,” he said.